Final Scheduled For September

The final of the Eurasian warfare championships was scheduled for September by the competitive warfare committee of the United Nations in New York last Friday. There are currently two major armed conflicts underway in Eurasia: The war between the Ukrainian government versus the east-Ukrainian pro-Russian separatists, and the latest round of fighting between Hamas and the Israeli government. All four belligerents agreed on Friday that the winners of these two conflicts would meet in a championship war in September 2014.

“We are confident that we’ll steamroll the eastern Ukraine very soon, and are looking forward to the final, most likely against Israel. We hope to draw the final out into the winter, since we are better than them at not freezing.” said Igor Provnisky, a 6-star general in the Ukrainian army. “Shalom. Not.” the polyglot added.

General Uri Zvnik from the Israeli Attack Force (IAF) stated that “Depending on the outcome of the semi-final wars, we’ll either fight the Ukrainians or – ehm – the Ukrainians. It’ll be something new, to be honest with you, fighting the Hamas over and over again gets kinda old.”

Hamas spokesman Abu Humbug also commented that his side “was working very hard to pull off an upset”. He further stated that while “the Ukrainians are not occupying us, they are infidels nevertheless, and we’d be happy to fight them.”

We could not reach the Ukrainian pro-Russian separatists for comment, nor do we know the whereabouts of the Mr. Peter Hugnaz, the reporter we sent to talk to them. Please contact Pacificklaus Media if you have any information about his fate.

Is it tasteless to make fun of these events? Not as tasteless as shooting rockets at fellow humans! And not as tasteless as distracting public attention from these wars by covering cooking shows, celebrity gossip and soccer. My thoughts are with the victims on all sides of these conflicts.