This is the story of my visit to the worst hotel in the Philippines. I am not writing this to complain or to warn others. I won’t even mention the hotel’s name or location. And I don’t want to shame the owner of the hotel, who, as far as I could judge, is a nice and friendly lady. But this is one of those stories which have to be told. The hotel is so spectacularly bad that it left me in awe of its badness.
I checked in on a Saturday afternoon, when the hotel’s garden was used as a parking spots for a couple of trucks who were not in operation on the weekend. So much for the scenic view. The room was simple and small, but tasteless. On its wall was a large print of an extremely cheesy sunset with an inspirational quote about god having plans for each and everyone of us. If we just accept what life brings us, then god will deliver what is meant for us.
It seemed that god did not mean for me to have a towel and toilet paper in the hotel room I had just checked into. These items cost extra, and are available IF you can find the establishment’s owner.
I then tried to charge my cell phone, but the power outlet was powerless. Upon my complaint, the skinny middle-aged lady who owns the worst hotel in the Philippines routed an extension cable from the room next door to provide me with juice. That wasn’t a very aesthetic solution, and it made it a bit difficult to close the room-door, but it worked.
The bedsheets smelled only very slightly funny, but the real reason the place earned the title of the worst hotel in the Philippines were the abundant and very healthy looking cockroaches in my room. And that’s not even the right way of putting it: I shared the cockroaches’ room, not the other way around. These roaches looked as if they had found, and dined on, a stash of Soviet-era steroids. Big boys! One of the biggest specimen sat in the round indentation in the wall next to the toilet which is meant to hold the toilet paper (not included in the room price, so there was enough space for Mr. cockroach). That guy was visibly proud of his shiny lookout, and let the antennae rotate whenever I entered the bathroom.
The cockroach infestation was bad during the day. But the insects really got going at night. When I entered the bathroom and turned on the light, hordes of the large roaches were frolicking in every corner, sink and crevice of the room. When I sat down to get rid of the well-digested remnants of last night’s barbecued chicken & rice, a huge insect sprinted over my foot. I am not a squeamish person, but to have a cockroach so big that I felt its weight step on me while I was taking an early morning shit is not an experience I would like to repeat. Withholding toilet paper from me is the kind of thing god would do to an atheist. But to have cockroaches running over my feet while I am taking a crap, only half-awake?
GOD I ASK YOU: WHAT KIND OF GOD ARE YOU TO BESTOW SUCH CRUELTY UPON ME??!!!
Seriously, god, you had to unleash a whole battalion of cockroaches while I poop? If there is any time of the day where a man deserves to be stress- and large-insect-free, it’s during the minute of his bowel-evacuation. You are not playing fair here, divine creator of the world.
My revenge on god’s creatures was harsh and swift. From a nearby living friend I borrowed an XL can of insect spray and felled the burly roaches, every single one of them. The proud occupier of the toilet-paper holder succumbed first to the poison. Those hiding in the bathroom-wall’s cracks crawled out in agony before they died. The bathroom-floor eventually looked like the aftermath of the second battle Ypres, with the ground covered in victims of the gas weapon. When I walked across the bathroom to grab the shower head to clear this horrible mess, my steps made cracking noises as if I was walking over a whole spilled box of choco pops. I was disgusted, but at least I left the hotel’s ultimate badness and god’s rather annoying plans for me behind with a victory in battle (albeit an unfair one, using WMDs).
Like my humor? I have written a novel about the crazy adventures to be had in the Philippines. This novel is still looking for a good publisher. Contact me if you are one or know one! klaus(at)pacificklaus.com