Coconut (Not Shark!) Safety Course

I was planning to develop a new shark safety course, to give divers the knowledge to safely swim with sharks. Just when I started to compile the material, I realized that sharks actually kill a very small number of people per year, probably less than 10 in the whole world, and that such a course would hardly be necessary. In fact, it is often said that falling coconuts kill more people than sharks!

The issue how many people coconuts really kill per year is not clear-cut. A medical doctor working in a trauma ward in Papua New Guinea wrote a paper detailing the coconut-fall-injuries he treated, which included 2 deaths. Extrapolating from the province of PNG served by this hospital to the population living in the parts of the world with coconut palms (the wet tropics) gave a number of 150. No one actually records the real total number of people killed by coconut-head collisions, especially since most of the casualties will be poor people in countries with patchy medical infrastructure. The world is, sadly, an unfair place, and someone’s death is less newsworthy and less worthy of statistical recording if he is poor. 150 coconut deaths per year is a rough estimate only. As usual in this day and age, sensationalist reporting played a big role in spreading the story about the 150 coconut deaths per year (the backstory is here and here).

So, it’s not actually clear how many people exactly falling coconuts kill per year.

But they almost certainly kill more people than sharks.

Hence, a Coconut (Not Shark!) Safety Course is what the world needs.

The following flow chart explains how to stay safe from death by falling coconuts:

You can also take the full version of my new Coconut (Not Shark!) Safety Course for a course fee of only 550 Euro (payable in cash, or in the form of protein powder). Besides the knowledge contained in the flow chart above, you will get:

– A lofty speech with ample appeals to emotion, fancy buzz-words, hyperbole, and a slick power-point presentation given by myself.

– A practical session where we practice not standing under a coconut palm tree.

– You get a certificate of attendance and a laminated Coconut (Not Shark!) Safety Course certification card.

– You get to take as many selfies as you like with me, Dr. Klaus “Pacificklaus” Stiefel, Coconut (Not Shark!) Safety Course developer, founder and president.

– Free hat with the Coconut (Not Shark!) Safety Course logo.

Sign up now or risk immanent death by coconut!!!