More Marine Animal Names Which HAVE To Be Changed

We all know and emphatically agree that not offending anyone is one of the highest priorities these days, and that making fun of people who want to be offended is a close second priority (for a different part of the population of the internets). I wrote before about several fishes with completely unacceptable names which need to be changed, and my intellectual journey through marine biology has made me come across more inappropriately named animals – several fishes and a sea star.

Let’s see whom we have here:

Slippery Dick

Uh-oh, who named that wrasse? Completely unacceptable, probably in need of a trigger warning anytime this common name is mentioned. Actual sexual innuendo is a big no-no in times when anything can be taken to be offensive. The sexual revolution of the 60s has given way to neo-Victorian prudism in many minds. Hence:

Halichoeres bivittatus (Bloch, 1791), Slippery dick

should really be

Trigger warning sexually explicit nasty bad words!!!
Halichoeres bivittatus (Bloch, 1791), Slippery dick

This small wrasse is at home in the subtropical and tropical western Atlantic, where I haven’t dived much (only a few dives in Cuba during a trip cut short by explosive diarrhea and a tropical storm), hence I have never seen or even photographed a slippery dick. Also, I have neve touched one.

And, no I have no idea what was the origin for this somewhat unusual common name. It’s the common name given on Fishbase, so it’s not just something some scuba bros in Florida came up with. If you know how this name came about, please let me know!

Honorary Mention: Flasher Wrasses

Flasher wrasses. Flash ‘er wrasse? Flash your arse? While this fish name is not per se offensive, slightly sloppy pronunciation can easily make it such. We have shot a mini-documentary about this serious topic:

Renaming suggestion: Flasher Your Behind.

 

Sarcastic Fringehead

I have long held the opinion that “If you think fish are stupid, then you are stupid”

Neoclinus blanchardi (Girard, 1858) is called the “Sarcastic fringehead” in its English common name. Sarcasm is a smart person’s response to a frustrating situation. It’s not an ideal response, frequently evoking hostility in your conversational partner, not understanding. Sarcasm is often condescending and not the way to build consensus and communicate your point of view. It’s not a teaching attitude, but a communication style which has given up on the partner in the conversation, and which decides to vent instead of fixing things. I’m often guilty of sarcasm.

Neoclinus blanchardi can do better. How about “Frustrated but still trying fringehead”?

 

The Chocolate Chip Sea Star

This is an interesting sea star, which is quite common in shallow sandy and seagrass areas in the Philippines, where I dive and live.

Protoreaster nodosus is often called the chocolate chip sea star. Why change the name? Fear of litigation must be the motivation here. Sooner or later, and probably sooner due to this blog post, someone will think that the skin protrusions of the chocolate cookie sea star are actually made of chocolate, collect these sea stars, cut off the protrusions, and eat them. The results will likely not be good, at first for the dumbass eating these “chocolate chips”, and then for everyone else. Lawsuits, filed in a US court, against the boat operator who brought our dumbass to the snorkeling site with the Protoreaster nodosus, the hostel where he stayed, the airline which flew him there and the tourism board of the country where this happened will all have to lawyer up. They didn’t warn him! Someone must be responsible for the dumbass’ dumbassery, other than the dumbass.

We don’t want that. Hence, the name change suggestion: Certainly inedible dark-red-spiked sea star.