New Nobel Prize for Winning Grant Money

Big news in the world of big science: Today the Nobel committee in Stockholm announced the introduction of a new category of Nobel prizes, the Nobel award for winning grant money. The new prize will be awarded for the first time in 2015 to the scientist most successful in procuring competitive, external funding. Olaf Samenstrøm, spokesperson for the Nobel Institute proudly announced the novel Nobel Prize during a press conference this Monday in the halls of the Royal Swedish Academy. “We aim to reward the achievements which are most appreciated in the academic community itself” Samenstrøm elaborated. “What else gets the heart rate of the modern academic up like winning a grant?” he said.

Professor Henry Markram of the Human Brain Project, who after winning a 500 million euro grant earlier this year counts as a heavy favorite for the inaugural Nobel award for winning grant money, said in a first statement that “he was ecstatic” and that “finally the Nobel committee acknowledges how modern science ticks”. Similar positive statements came from a number of leading investigators from several large and prestigious American and European institutions.

To free the funds for the new prize, Samenstrøm indicated that the Nobel Prize in chemistry might from now on only be given every second year, or phased out altogether. “Chemistry as a science has run its course” he explained. “It’s just become too complicated. The appeal to the general public is low. It simply does not produce enough readily recognizable buzzword to fill press releases or Tweets with”.